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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  April 26, 2017 11:35pm-12:37am EDT

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>> listen to this. taco bell says customers age 19 and up are going to be able to buy beer starting in june. the flagship store in toronto will likely be the first. >> and now a message from the royal canadian mounted police. >> hey, there. last week i told you about canada legalizing pot. now we'll be serving alcohol atica neighborhood taco bells. be cool. yes, we all know beer goes great with mexican food. now, taco bell has just to start serving mexican food, including all brands of our canadian beer including
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including >> so now that we're all good, i'm going to take a moment to enjoy canada's beer in the most canadian way possible. thanks, ryan gosling. >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, stephen welcomes america ferrara thomas middleditch and dave and virginia grohl. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert!
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captioning sponsored by cbs ( cheers and applause )
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so far, all he's released is his 1040 f-u. to explain the plan, trump sent out his team of working class, blue collar, former goldman sachs executives, gary cohn and steve mnuchin. >> we are going to cut taxes and simplify the tax code by taking the current seven tax brackets we have today and reducing them to only three brackets: a 10% bracket, a 25% bracket, and a 35% bracket >> stephen: oh, yeah, baby, fewer brackets. it's really going to simplify your office pool during tax madness. , of course, look at the bractses. you can tell. it's poor versus middle class, and rich versus nobody, because they win. now, the trump administration has a very strong rationale for simplifying the tax code. >> in 1935, we had a one-page tax form consisting of 34 lines with two pages of instructions.
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79 lines and 211 pages of instructions. glsk, 1935 was the height of the great depression, so the two-page form was just "page one: do you have money? yes or no." and page two was so you would have something to eat. ( laughter ) but trump's made this plan even simpler because it's just one page of double-spaced bullet points with some hefty margins. i'm going to say it's not realluconfidence building when really confidence building when your tax reform plan is half as long as the instructions to set up a vitamix. hey, you guys remember about trump and russia and how maybe they have incriminating information on our president and are running him like a
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his team were caught on tape by the f.b.i. talking to known russian operatives after promising they'd never met them? remember that? ( applause ) well, there's more. this time, it's about former national security advisor and before picture in a laxative ad, michael flynn. the president fired flynn back in february because flynn lied about discussing sanctions with the russian ambassador before trump took office. turns out, that was just the tip of the corruption-berg, because we learned yesterday that flynn also didn't disclose that he had been paid more than $65,000 by companies linked to russia in 2015, including a $45,000 speaking fee from the kremlin-controlled tv network, russia today. and i believe we h
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footage-- i know, it's upsetting, it's upsetting. we have footage of flynn's speech. ♪ o-ho-ho-ho-hoooo la-la-la♪ thank you for your service, sir. but it's not like flynn was a double agent working for russia. he was a triple agent because he was also working for turkey, which paid him more than $500,000. look, when you're national security advisor, you've got to disclose foreign payments. otherwise, you end up with a situation like this: "general flynn, should we bomb turkey?" "hold on, sir. let me check my venmo." and i'd hold off. and the chairman of the house oversight committee, jason chaffetz, had what i would describe as a flaccid condemnation of flynn's actions. >> froat
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flynn broke the law? >> personally, i see no information or no data to support the notion that general flynn complied with the law. >> stephen: i have seen no information or data to confirm that flynn comflied with the law. there it is. you can't say anything stronger than that, "darling, i have done the research, and i see no evidence that i'm not in love with you. therefore, the only possible conclusion i can reach is will you marry me?" ( laughter ) then chaffetz burrowed over to greta van sustren's new msnbc show to clarify. >> all right, to shorthand this, would you say after what you reviewed today that general flynn is in a heap of trouble? >> yes, yes. clearly, uhm, you can't do this. >> stephen: yes, you can't do this! as george washington said to benedict arnold, "no fairsies, benny! you promised to be on our side. knock it off!" seriously! jason chaffetz, please, just grow a pair and tell us what
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( cheers and applause ) you gutless charles schulz rough draft. quick aside, quick aside. congratulations to greta on her new, show "for the record." if you remember, for years, her old show on fox news was called "on the record." because "for" the record, she no longer believes anything she said that was "on" the record. i look forward to seeing her future cnn show, "please erase the record." as a political outsider, it's taking donald trump a little while to get a handle on how stuff works in the nation's capital. but there's one piece of white house protocol that trump has mastered, because according to the associated press, with the push of a red button placed on the resolute desk... oh, god! what happens when he pushes the button? a white house butler arrives with a coke for the president. ( laughter ) ( applause )
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( cheers and applause ) thank god. i was worried there. he's just turning the oval office into an 8-year-old's drawing of a dream treehouse. "there'd be a button where i get coke wherever i want, and a slide into a ball pit, and bigfoot sleeps over and he teaches me karate." ( cheers and applause ) that's nice. good for him. good for him. he should have some fun. the president deserves to be refreshed. the pause that refreshes-- a butler bringing him his coke-- really living the dream. i believe we have a picture of the butler. there you go. yeah, yeah. here's some good news. on sunday, we got some unlikely allies in the war on terror when three isis fighters were
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that is both shocking and not halal. ( laughter ) and kind of not fair. ( applause ) they're wild pigs. they can't eat them back. it's not fair. of course, it's not the first time animals have helped in the war on terror. after all, osama bin laden was taken out by seal team six. huge news in the world of sport. you know i love sport, jon. i talk about sport all the time. >> jon: all the time. >> stephen: it looks like baseball's miami marlins are going to be sold to a group led by derek jeter and jeb bush. or as they're known by their celebrity couple name: "derek jeter." ( applause ) fits. fits. works. baseball apparently very popular with republican dynasties ca
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who just got edged out from buying the team-- tagg romney. i think-- this isn't fair. i think a guy name tagg should really own a baseball team. the same way the knicks should be owned by billionaire. dunk hooperson. we've got a great show for you tonight. america ferrara is here. but when we return, i've got a special message... from jesus. stick around.
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: wooo! welcome back, everybody. give it up for jon batiste and the whole band right over there!
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( cheers and applause ) jon, jon-- amazing. the people at home-- people at home didn't hear that whole thing. but these guys just burned the room to the ground just now. jon, you are totally in your element tonight. please tell us why the band seems to be twice its normal size tonight. >> jon: because it is. we've got preservation hall jazz band playing with us tonight! >> stephen: welcome to the show, gentlemen. good to see you. they'll be-- these fellas are going to be here all night long. they'll be playing some songs from preservation hall jazz band's new album, "so it is." "so it is." >> jon: yes. "so it is." so it will be. >> stephen: tow it is, so it was. so it ever shall upon opinion jon, you like ted talks? >> jon: i love ted talks. >> stephen: did you do ted talks. >> jon: i did. >> stephen: what was that about? >> jon: jazz, tre
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>> stephen: there it is. so it is. right now the reason i ask is the annual ted conference is happening in vancouver, and it kicked off yesterday with a surprise skyping in from none other than pope francis! i think it's impressive for an 80-year-old to set up his own webcam. it's not like he can get help from his grandkids. >> jon: oh, yeah, yeah. ( applause )
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i just blocking jerks who don't agree with me. and the pope used a powerful metaphor to describe how power corrupts people. >> (translator): power is like drinking gin on an empty stomach. you feel dizzy, you get drunk, you lose your balance, and you will end up hurting yourself and those around you. >> stephen: true. though, he left out calling your ex-grilfriend at 3:00 a.m. and buying a broken turntable on ebay. and i've just got to pause here and say, "gin on an empty stomach?" that's pretty specific, your holiness. are you filing the job pressure right now? is this why you spend all day in your bathrobe? of course, a lot of people were surprised that the pope decided to do th
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figures actually have a long history of giving ted talks. jim? >> ladies and gentlemen, i come here today as a simple carpenter who also happens to be the son of god. but i didn't get here today through nepotism. no. i got where i am today because of a few simple systems i've developed. first up, we've all been there, right? all you've got is a few loafs and a couple of fishes, right? and you have to feed a crowd of thousands. what if i told you that you can do it. now, i know what you're think ago geez, me? no, geez, us. right? thank you. ( applause ) now, ordinarily, someone slaps your cheek, what do we do? we want to slap them back, right? but we've been testing a pilot program where you turn the other
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cheek. now-- ( laughter ) excuse me. just-- needs to get a drink of water. or is it? ( cheers and applause ) thank you. thank you, guys. you guys have been an amazing audience. i'll be out in the lobby signing copies of my book. thank you so much. i love you all. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: we'll be right back with america ferrara. when you're close to the people you love, does psoriasis ever get in the way of a touching moment? if you have moderate to severe psoriasis, you can embrace the chance of completely clear skin with taltz. taltz is proven to give you a chance at completely clear skin. with taltz, up to 90% of patients had a significant improvement of their psoriasis plaques.
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's springtime right there. wow. welcome backer
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ladies and gentlemen, my first guest tonight is an emmy award winning actor who stars in "superstore." please welcome back to the show, america ferrera. ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> stephen: highway are you? >> i'm good. >> stephen: you look good. always nice to have you here. it's your third time on the show, i think? >> it is. >> stephen: one of these frequent cards we punch out. >> what do i get? >> stephen: a free sub, i think. legally, all of those cards have to be paid off with a free sub. the last time you were here was in the before times. you were here in september of 2016. >> yes. >> stephen: i don't know if you've been checking the news. since november. but you were a big clinton supporter. you were out there on the stump
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: for the secretary at the time. how-- how have you been? how have you been dealing with reality? >> uhm, well, for a while, not dealing. >> stephen: yeah. >> you have to cope the way you can. >> stephen: sure. i have a bar. >> you have a what. >> stephen: i have a bar in my office. ( laughter ). >> and then, you know, then we had to get back to work and, you know, figure out what was next and galvanize our colleagues and our friends and our families, and figure out how are we going to protect people? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: good luck. thank you for doing that. last time you were here, you were also-- you were also branching up on the in another way. last time you were here you just finished your first triathlon. >> i did. >> stephen: now you've done your second triathlon. >> i did. >> stephen: and you're on the cover of "tat
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( cheers and applause ) >> yeah. >> stephen: which i'm not sure i'm even allowed to subscribe to, given the shame i'm in. what do you get out of it? what do you get out of it? is it like-- is it one of those things it's so greet when it's over that you feel good? like "keep punching me in the face. it feels wonderful when you stop?" what is it about the triathlon that draws you? it makes me week looking at this. >> that surprises me. i pictured myself on the cover of a lot of magazines. "triathlete" magazine was not one of them. for me, it's this thing i'll never be great at, so it takes the pressure off. i get to just do it and have fun -- >> stephen: but finishing one means you're great at it. i mean-- how many people have done a triathlon here. ( light applause ) you're liars. what are we talking about? how many miles-- swimming, biking? >> swim a mile in the ocean, which is scary. >> stephen: with sharks and
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>> stephen: sharks aren't real? >> not real. we get to decide what's real now. >> stephen: sure. ( laughter ) ( applause ) the upside. >> then we ride 25 miles on the bike. i get super bored on the bike. i start singing super loud. >> stephen: are you allowed to have music? >> you're not allowed to have music. so you have to make your own music. >> stephen: wow. >> and i start singing my beyonce real loud so i can get through it. >> stephen: all right. >> and then you run 6.2 miles. and four weeks before this triathlon, i spraend my ankle. >> stephen: what? what did you do? >> i know. i was running and i just, like-- i sprained my ankle. and then i rehabbed it, not knowing if i was going to be able to do it, and i did it. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: you also do-- you do soul cycle. i hear about that a lot. >> i do. >> stephen: is it a cult? it sounds leak a cult. people who get into it
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really into it. they have to have it. >> it is an all-or-nothing kind of thing. yeah, it is kulti. >> stephen: what happens in there? is it dark? >> it's dark. there are candles. there's sweat and a lot of tears sometimes. >> stephen: that sounds like an orgy. candles, sweat and tears. ( laughter ) hmmm... >> yeah. >> stephen: i understand, you know, you directed an episode of "superstore." >> i did scwhr. >> stephen: this season? the third is going? >> the third season is going. so we'll be back. ( applause ).
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america is a diva and she doesn't listen. >> stephen: you know, one of the things i-- i love about "superstores myself, real super stores, is i love the announcements, kind of random announcements happening any time. when you're in there to buy your fraept-pack of paper towels. you hear a random announcement and you go, "maybe i'll bay buythat thing. maybe i'll go to aisle five. i didn't realize i needed that thing they talked about." and i love the old mics they use. they still use these to talk with them. and i would love right now with you, because you're an expert at this and you directed this sort of thing, if we could actually do some random announcements. >> okay. >> stephen: that would appear in a giant box store, okay? >> yeah. >> stephen: i'll start. and we'll just say them into these. >> okay. >> stephen: and these are random announcements that you might hear at a box store. stephen colbert
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here you go. attention, please. we have lost a six-year-old at the desk, and a 20-year-old who can't decide on a major. >> attention shoppers: can randall jenkins please make his way to the principal's office? also, can the manager please stop making me call him the "principal"? >> stephen: attention, customers. please stop calling our pharmacist "dr. pills." he has a name. it's derek. derek pills. ( applause )
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will be burned for witchcraft. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: attention customers: we have combined the following aisles into one megaaisle: liquor, hardware, live pets, and fireworks. go nuts. ( cheers and applause ) >> attention shoppers: free samples of teriyaki chicken are available in aisle two. and remember: everything is a free sample if you're willing to shoplift. ( cheers and applause ) america ferrera, everybody. "superstore" on nbc. we'll be right back with thomas middleditch.
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: ladies and gentlemen, welcome back. you know my next guest as the founder of tech start-up "pied piper" on "silicon valley." please welcome thomas middleditch. ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> stephen: wow! wow! somebody can do dips. nice. >> dude, i love doing dips! >> stephen: you got monster tries. >> dude, my tries are on point. thank you for noticing. i got the sickest tries in the biz. >> stephen: last time you were here you had a c
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>> god no. that was a fashion cane. >> stephen: are canes out of fashion now? >> canes are in fashion thanks to me. cane sales are up 200%, baby! >> stephen: somebody is getting their beak wet. >> so many business, so many jobs. >> stephen: wow, congratulations. >> yeah, yeah. >> stephen: you're canadian, right? >> yes. by-- by-- ( applause ) >> stephen: canadian by birth. >> by birth. >> stephen: by grace of god. do you guys have a god up there? >> sometimes. >> stephen: he comes around this time of year, i'm guessing. >> our god is the bear from "the referinant." he's pretty brutal. >> stephen: when are you going to become an american citizen? you have be here 10 years. >> something like that. i don't know. >> stephen: what's the deal? are we not good enough for you? you're good enough to work here, tom. >> i'm good enough to take your damn jobs! >> stephen: that is exactly right. that is an uncanny-- that is an uncanny los angeles accents you just did. >> you're putting t
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the wrong side of the country, boys. >> stephen: where have you lived in the united states gilived in chicago. i lived in new york city. and i lived in los angeles, california. >> stephen: well, what-- what-- where did you live in chicago? because i lived in chicago for 11 years. where did you live? >> i lived in a neighborhood called boys town. >> stephen: oh, yeah. i know that well. i'm a boy. >> and i'm a town. >> stephen: okay. what were you doing there? what were you doing in chicago? >> i was doing improv. second city improv olympics. boys town is great, because my gay friends who have experienced that are like, "boys town is gayer than san francisco." it's so gay. there are bars that are moist and tough and stuff like that. >> stephen: and, of course, the man hole. >> the man hole. but what's great about-- i mean, the walk-- because i would walk to improv olympic, or i.o., i guess now it's called. you go through boys town where, honestly, there will be guys in assless leather chaps. they'll be like, "hey, join us!" and i'm like, "i can't
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do a show." and you cross the street and guys in backwards cubbies hats playing corn hole. and they're like, what are you doing here! how do you guys get along together? you're so close. >> stephen: it's a big tent. >> and there are hard neighborhood divisions in chicago. >> stephen: you are, as i said, you're on "silicon valley." you personally have been involved in tech. if i could throw some terms around. >> do all terms have to have these? >> stephen: they all do. for me, when i don't know what the (bleep) i'm talking about, i have to say this. you threw lan lan parties. lan is local area network. >> yes! >> stephen: i know that from setting up a router. exactly. what is a lan party? how is that a party? >> it's mainly through video games. and the lan parties i know, back in the 90s, we would have to have them-- this was before, li
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internet, so in order to get that super low-alatencey gaming you had to bring your pentium machine over-- 500,000! and you would bring it over. these are big machines, big cases, all the monitors and bring them over to your friends' houses and physically connect them. probably those lan parties were probably where a lot of influences from richard came from. my lan parties, there was always one guy-- for lack of a better term-- was maybe on the spectrum, slightly weird. >> stephen: totally different from you. >> totally different from me. i'm 100% inspector, pretty much your average joe. he was always around to make sure all the network stuff worked. and i remember he came to one of the parties-- which are loosely termed. ( laughter ) with his computer, his tower, and the case was off, but on top of it was an open bucket of water, and hoses that ran down from the top and clamped on to his
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and we're like, "dave, what's this?" "i've liquid cooled my c.p.u. the cold air runs down and the warm runs up." and we're like of all people here he should not have an open bucket of water over his computer. needless to say, he was excitable. sure enough during a rousing #-r game of "delta force." we heard him upstairs yelling, because he had been killed and freaked out and spilled this whole bucket of water all over his computer. this is hilarious material! ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: it is! it's a good story! it's a really good story! now, we have a clip here from the new season of "silicon valley." can you set up what's happening here? you're mad at someone for some reason. >> yes, i believe this is when i just found out that the patent i needed to create this new, big internet is owned by my greate
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rival, sir gavin belson. >> richard, are you okay? >> yes, just putting something away. ( laughter ) ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: so you're a stunt man, too. please come back. with another fashion accessory next time. >> yeah. "silicon valley" airs sundays on hbo. thomas middleditch,
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we'll be right back with dave grohl and his mom, virginia.
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( applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! wow! hey, everybody, my next guests are the 13 grammy award-winning rock star from the foo fighters and nirvana ( band playing ) and even better, his mom, please welcome dave and virginia grohl. ♪ ♪ ( applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: nice to see you again. >> thank you. >> stephen: we met
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the kennedy center honors. >> yes. >> stephen: at the awards. you actually bring your mom to a lot of fun places. >> oh, man, she's been on tour more than most rock moms i know. she's perfectly comfortable on the road, though. you know, i give her a laminate, and play a gig, and come back to the dressing room and she's having a beer with green day. ( laughter ). >> stephen: in this case, you brought him. because you have a new book called "from cradle to stage: stories from the mothers who rocked and raised rock stars." okay. so it's your story of raising this man over here. and talking to other mothers who raised rock stars. >> yes. >> stephen: now, like any good mother, you brought an embarrassing photograph to start off here. there is-- okay. at what point did it occur to
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( laughter ) that he might be a rock star? this was going to be his life? >> well, i department know he was going to be a rock star. i knew he was going to be a musician. i knew really early he was going to be an entertainer. i had the feeling that some of you have it in your blood somewhere that you just start out being goofy. ( laughter ). >> stephen: beats hard work. ( laughter ) >> and silly and making people laugh. >> stephen: uh-huh. >> and that's the way he was. >> stephen: it seemed like that might have been your focus, dave, because your mother also brought along one of your report cards i'd like to share. there is an actual report card from sixth grade, i believe, '08y-'81. >> that was a tough one. a tough year. >> stephen: it was a tough year here. let's see... hmm... "respects authority." needs improvement. ( laughter ) "is courteous."
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"needs improvement." "accepts responsibility: unsatisfactory." "exercises self-control: needs improvement." "exerts effort: unsatisfactory. begins and completes work on time, unfactly. works neatly, works accurately-- >> how long is this statement. >> stephen: we have to talk about this. >> i have to be honest. i was kicking ass up to first grade and it was all downhill from there. >> stephen: and at 17 you tell your mom, what? >> i started playing music when i was maybe nine or 10 years old, and i just kind of took to it. once i started playing it i couldn't think of much else. i was just focused on playing music, and i got the bug. so all of my focus an and energy went to just playing. and so kind of everything else went out the window. and, you know, my mother, having been a public school teacher for 35 years, i think she understood that some kids don't necesly
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public school system. they might be able to work outside of it a little more. so i had the opportunity to go start traveling europe and the world when i was 17 or 18 plying music. and my mother, because she had seen generations of kids who might have been really bright kids struggle within that system, she sort of looked at me and said, "okay. of." >> "it's a great yet idea." >> stephen: really? >> absolutely. >> stephen: you said go? >> yes. >> stephen: you weren't worried at all? here's a 17-year-old kid. he's going off to europe with his hand band-- what was the band? >> at that time it was a band called scream. >> stephen: he's going off to with scream to europe,. didn't worry you at all? >> i did. >> stephen: sex, drugs, rock 'n' roll. >> a little of that. but he was going to be playing music. he was going to be playing music in paris.
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staying behind in fairfax county in the classroom. i almost wanted to go with him. >> stephen: so nothing? no worries at all? >> uhm, here's the thing-- the other guys in the band were older. they were about 10 years older, maybe? and i knew them very well. and i knew they'd take care of him. and they did. we're all still good friends. >> stephen: now, have you told your mom everything that has happened? ( laughter ) have you told your mom everything that happened on the road? because moms don't need to know everything. >>y don't know if this is the appropriate place -- >> stephen: i think it is. >> to air their dirty laundry. >> stephen: i think it might be appropriate. is there anything-- is there anything you haven't told your mother? dave grohl, is there anything you have not told your mother that happened on the road that you would like to share with us? and i'll turn off the cameras. >> i felt safe on the road. it was at home where i got in all the trouble, you know. there was once when i used to sneak her car out
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waiting until she was asleep and go and find her key chain-- which was this broadway ticket you got from "evita" and the thing was like a cow bell so in order for me to get it out of the house without making noise i'd get a towel, wrap it in a towel, go out to the ford fiesta, back it downtown driveway, start it up the street-- this one night i was bringing it back up to the house up the driveway, but i had to cut the engine before i got up the driveway, and i get up the driveway and pull up the emergency break and get out of car and close the door and am walking through the kitchen, and we have a picture window, and i'm tiptoeing through the living room and i look out and the car is rolling down the street. ( laughter ) but she never knew! i got away with it! yeah. >> stephen: well, you say in here that the first rock mom you knew was kurt cobain's mom, wendy. >> that's right. >> stephen: and did
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death change your relationship at all, and what it meant to be a rock mom? >> i think it did. >> yeah. >> it was such a dark, sad time. and david came home after that, so we all sort of had to regroup. and, yes, we talked a lot. we've always talked. we've always been able to say everything to each other. but that was a particularly sort of incredible time. it's hard to express how-- >> yeah. but whenever i felt overwhelmed anything, i would just go back to virginia, where i grew up, and my mom-- i'd just go back to the bedroom that i grew up in. so whenever i felt overwhelmed with everything, i'd just go back home, hang out with my mom, and see my friends that i went to elementary school with, and have barbecues-- all my drop-out friends. it was great. >> stephen: do youer
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show them your 13 grammys? >> i made the mistake of showing my kids my report card once because i thought it would be funny and that backfired on me. ( laughter ). >> stephen: the book is tremendous. you also interviewed a dozen or more other rock moms. it's an incredible book. it's called "from cradle to stage." it's available now. virginia and dave grohl, everybody. we'll be right back. thank you so much. nice to see you again. >> thanks. >> stephen: good to see you, dave. thanks for being here. ♪ ♪
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late show." tune in tomorrow when my guests will be ll cool j, phillipa soo, and musical guest, gorillaz. now stick around for james corden. he's got ludacris. captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ where you come from it's gonna be all right ♪ it's the late, late show ♪ ladies and gentlemen, all the

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